Stop Surviving. Start Thriving.
Healing without closure.
Trigger Warning: This essay contains depictions of sexual and physical abuse, suicide, and other sensitive content that may trigger readers. Reader discretion is advised.
There comes a point in life where we have to accept responsibility for the part we play in our own suffering.
I spent a large portion of my life angry, sad, scared, lost, and lonely. I just wanted to feel seen, heard, and understood by someone, anyone, especially by the people who hurt me most.
I recently forgave the man who molested me when I was young. I forgave the narcissist who mentally and physically abused me for years. I forgave the bullies at school. I forgave my parents for any shortcomings or missteps. I forgave the person whose life I had to save because she tried to kill herself. I forgave the person who sexually assaulted me in college. I forgave the men who drugged and raped me as a young adult. I forgave the people who made me fall then weren’t there to catch me. I forgave the people that left. I forgave all the pain, chaos, and misfortune that happened to me. Most importantly, I forgave myself for my mistakes and gave up all the shame, guilt, and false or self-limiting beliefs.
There was no conversation, no apology, no closure. I just decided I was done being angry and hurt. I didn’t have to hold on to any of it anymore. It wasn’t healthy either. It wasn’t mine to carry and it didn’t serve me. After years of healing, working on myself, learning to love myself, realizing none of it was my fault, finding peace and clarity, and finally finding joy and happiness, it was okay to let it all go and move on with my life.
I cured my anxiety, depression, OCD, unhealthy coping mechanisms, dysregulated nervous system, most trauma responses, let go of all anger, hatred, and sadness, and quit drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. Don’t get me wrong I am far from perfect (which doesn’t exist anyways). I still get triggered and have some work to do in relationships, but I can honestly say I am happy and have found peace, gratitude, and joy. I am no longer surviving, I am 100% thriving.
The truth is hurt people hurt people. Everyone is so quick to blame their parents or their ex or whoever they felt did them wrong. I think the best thing you can do is to be empathetic towards that person. They didn’t know better or someone did it to them. They were doing their best or they just didn’t care and there is nothing you can do to change that or fix them or the situation. The longer you hold on to it the more damage it does to you. It doesn't affect the other person in any way, shape, or form, so why continue to torture yourself with wondering why, being angry, or dwelling on the past.
Please note I am not saying “get over it”, “forget it”, “it doesn’t matter”, “it happens to everyone”, or any of the other horrid things people told me (some of which by the people who did them to me and whose only job was to love and protect me). I’m saying once it has been processed and felt and dealt with, you can choose how it affects you. You are allowed to let it go. You can’t forget, but you can forgive in a healthy manner. You can also cut people out of your life with no explanation or distance yourself, even if you are related to them. I am also not a certified therapist and did see one to deal with a lot of my trauma and I do highly recommend it if you have been through some or any of these things.
Most people are “angry” because it’s a lot more palatable than being sad, disappointed, let down, hurt, or confused. Angry is a blanket term, there is always a feeling underneath it. Anger is just easier to feel because it gives us a false sense of power or control.
I think there are a multitude of people currently ending generational trauma or curses. There are people breaking cycles that have been repeating for decades if not centuries. There are people that are tired of watching others hurt and strong enough to take the beating and hold all that pain, to feel it and process it, then release it.
I walked through hell for years, decades. I didn’t walk on eggshells, I walked on glass, through fire, all while holding spinning plates on sticks, and dodging knives being thrown at me. It felt like I just took beating after beating. Every corner there was a curveball or a lesson or some cruel punishment. And it all just felt like a Wednesday. It became so “normal”. I remember an intake appointment with a therapist where I gave her a list the length of a CVS receipt of things that happened and she looked at me in shock, speechless, and asked how I could be so nonchalant like I was listing off ingredients to a recipe.
While this was all happening I was also told to be good, not to cry, be perfect, earn love and affection, my feelings and needs were inconvenient, I was dramatic, don’t tell anyone what’s happening, and everyone else came first.
In high school and college everyone said I was angry and had an attitude. On the outside I said I wasn’t angry, but on the inside that only made me more angry. I thought, “of course I’m angry, I should be”. I was so mad at people because they weren’t helping, because they didn’t know what was happening. I thought it was obvious, it was happening right in front of them. I just wanted help, I wanted to escape. I acted like a victim that had no control of the situation, mad at the world.
As an adult this all carried on to be toxic relationships, unhealthy attachments, performing and perfectionism in work and relationships, inability to express myself effectively or in a healthy manner, and I couldn’t ask for help. Chaos, pain, and instability were all I knew. I had to be the best at anything I did, I did what other people told me I should do, and I lived in a constant state of fight or flight.
I felt damaged and broken. I felt trapped. Part of me thought the only thing good about me was how I looked or what I could do for other people. My self-worth was tied to what people thought about me and my sexual appeal. I numbed my feelings with sex, drugs, and alcohol.
I always wondered, why did all these terrible things happen to me? What did I do to deserve these things and when would it all stop? That was a my victim mentality speaking. On the outside my life looked great, I was “successful”. On the inside I was tortured and felt like I was living someone else’s life. I was deeply unhappy and felt stuck. I didn’t want to live my life anymore. I started dissociating. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted comfort, safety, love, stability, and happiness. I wanted to feel “good enough”.
I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully, I was unsuccessful or I wouldn’t be here writing this for you. I realized it wasn’t that I didn’t want to live anymore… it was that I didn’t want to live that life anymore. So I made a new one. I did die, the old me anyway. She’s gone. I grieved then I was reborn and rebuilt my entire life, personality, thoughts, feelings, actions, habits, mindset, literally everything, from the ground up.
I realized it didn’t matter if anyone knew what happened to me. I didn’t need anyone to fix me. I didn’t have to be angry anymore. I didn’t have to hurt anymore. I didn’t need to be understood or explain myself. I didn’t have to rely on others for validation or approval. I didn’t need an apology. I didn’t have to continue going through hard things. I didn’t have to build my identity around being strong or overcoming so much. I didn’t need to prove myself. I didn’t need to accomplish anything.
I had to learn how to love myself. I had to decide who I wanted to be. I had to align my actions and feelings. I had to live my values. I had to find comfort and safety in myself. I had to set appropriate boundaries, especially with the people who hurt me. I had to cut people out of my life that didn’t fit the new me. I had to listen to my gut and follow my heart. I had to validate my own feelings. I had to let go of everything other people told me I had to do and be. I had to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together in the way I actually wanted. I had to unlearn unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. I had to stop numbing and start feeling. I had to become the person that I needed when I was little. I had to acknowledge everything I went through and forgive and let go of all of it. All the things I was looking for from other people I had to do and be for myself.
This story does have a happy ending. I didn’t just heal, I was successful at becoming a new person and creating an entirely new life, timeline, and trajectory. I also found my purpose in life: use all my experiences and knowledge to help others. Why did all those things happen to me? Because I was capable of going through them, being strong enough to withstand the storm, not let it break me, and then use all of it as fuel to help people and better the world.
My karma and lessons were front loaded. Before my real life could begin I had to go through all the pain, lessons, trials, and tribulations. I was born an old soul and grew up very fast. I had to clean up and correct the timeline. I had to fix the damage that had been done. I took on everyone else’s suffering, I saw them, understood them, heard them, and said it’s okay. I sat with them, talked with them, listened to them, gave them a hug. They moved on and I walked off peacefully into the sunset and began my life.
I have traveled the US and internationally. I have learned to fly and found a passion in jumping out of planes. I have had so many jobs and lived in so many places. I feel like I’ve lived 8 lives and am finally on the last and final one. I cry when I see the sun rise. I find joy when the birds chirp. I love seeing people smile and be their authentic selves. I love hard and deep. I protect children and animals. I had a successful digital marketing company and now I am a successful life and business coach.
I help people heal their nervous systems, rewrite their identities, find and follow their passions, monetize their missions, fulfill their purpose, and live happier, healthier, and wealthier. I help people get back to being who they came here to be, back to nature, back to our roots. I help people realize who they were all along, heal their visibility blocks, and use their mind and energy to live out their wildest dreams and fantasies. I help people live and build out of a place of confidence, joy, and gratitude instead of lack, fear, and anxiety. I help them build a business around their life instead of the other way around, the way it’s supposed to be. No more fear, anxiety, performance, or hustle culture. I help people quantum leap into their best selves, their new timeline, the one their soul chose.
I don’t regret anything that’s happened or anything I’ve been through because if any of it was different I wouldn’t be who I am today, fulfilling my purpose, and living my dream life. When your actions and your soul align, everything turns out better than you could have ever imagined.
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Think of this as your permission slip to start living bigger… you know you were destined for greatness and you’re capable of so much more. Don’t let your past hold you back.
With love,
Alex Lynette
